herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
don't judge my taste in strippers
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
