Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
