Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
