I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
