meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
