you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
