It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
