I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have feelings that need drinking.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
