What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
