She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
