dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
