If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
