just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
