I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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