he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
