Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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