it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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