I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
