I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
