Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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