between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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