I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
