Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
