direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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