Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
