but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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