I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
