During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
