she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
