dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
