I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
3pm strippers are depressing
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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