I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
