Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
