I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i think my tv is drunk
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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