She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
