we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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