I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
