There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
