no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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