He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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