i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
