I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
