Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
