Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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