Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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