I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
