my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
