just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
