dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Couch. On fire.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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