if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
