Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
