i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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