Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
