Don't make out with my wife yet
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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